i think i'm cool cuz my mom's from new jersey

can't complayne: synaptic chats with nas abou-rizk

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 18:07:48 GMT

next message, sent... - friday - - june - -19th - - at - - 1:35 - -pm:

"hi nas, this is the non-delusional, rational portion of your brain. when you get this gimme a call man, i know i's fun ditching me to go complain and be a mopey dickhead, but i just thought i'd tell ya:

- you just graduated college finally 7.75 years after you began and 8 years after you finished high school
- you have a girlfriend who loves and cares about you a lot despite the fact that you're a neurotic basket case
- you're in what essentially is the band you've dreamed about since adolescence
- you're playing shows, making connections and beginning to record ORIGINAL music, which people seem to like
- you're about to drive up to your parents' ill-ass house in mass that you love for several reasons
- you're doing pretty well in your summer classes, all things considered
- you have virtually no days a week with nothing to do, you're either working or at class and mad people call you to hang out
- you just saw "the hangover" (on a dinner and a movie date at that) and it was fucking hysterical
- you just got your silver ibanez fixed after over a year

this is the best you've had it in years. please write a non-third person entry soon, man. X."

*9*

iCyf

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:48:42 GMT

WOW i'm so tired of school. brooks and dunn with it, you know how you have like spring break or winter break or whatever and you get so used to it that the you're still in vacation mode the first week back? i just cannot seem to get myself to CARE enough about these classes. it's incredibly hard to sit through them, monotony to the Nth degree. cuz i'm basically boutta graduate, the week after spring break i had to spend a good amount of time in the hartford area which kept me wired in "i don't have class today", and now i'm just like... ok. it's run its course, can i just fucking leave now? since 2001 i've been at this, i'd rather focus on the coming months financially cuz that's gonna take a much more dominant role once school's done. the freshmen at southern now were 11 or 10 when i was a freshman, which makes this warped van wilder thing even odder.

and why are the people i still talk to in west hartford so dysfunctional? and why are the ones i don't still talk to still in the same place they were when we stopped talking which was probably the reason we stopped talking? i don't have an official written journal but i write random shit down on various pieces of paper pretty often, and i was looking over some shit i wrote about these guys back home back in the summer when everyone was acting gay as fuck (i'm pretty sure the few entries i did in june detail my anger at the time adequately) is pretty much exactly the same as my gripes with them now.

i only eat lebanese food prepared in lebanon by beau diaz, then flown back - with beau - here, kept fresh, three times a week. doctor's orders. and i now support the LA lakers solely because they have a guy from spain on their team. and i can't remember his name. badass lookin spaniard tho.

super-fun american memo with a notable lack of backstory

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 21:00:15 GMT

ok, so thursday was a marathon 21 hour day, i got up at like 5:45, relived the doggie treat incident on location, went to court to be told there's no piss tests currently because of a cup shortage so no, we won't piss test you, we'll just give you two days community service, oh, these days don't work for you? oh, ok, school, right, ok, here you go. spent the next hour sitting there and laughing hysterically at everyone in eyeshot and talking about family guy and stolen pancakes. after several people who apparently got arrested for having their music playing too loud in their cars, mr. your honor's relatively nice and the santa drew carey claus lookin guy just tells the judge my days, and he oks it - i'd like to think they found out i was kidnapped by the state of connecticut for this, which is thoroughly fucked up and more punishment than usual on top of community service but i'm not bitter. sat around for another half hour waiting on these women trying to handle too many people at once to ok my forms i gotta fill out, and boom i'm outta there still paranoid and shook up from this whole ridiculous charade. no one deserves to be chained and caged up over something this trivial.

am currently trying to write the ultimate punk rock song. the judge didn't seem to give a flying fuck about finding my pancake either. currently in serious need of a different job, something has to be wrong with me for not job hunting. also recognize how many times this has been brought up since i got this job. anyway, i gotta shower and go to work and get talked shit to by managers for the sake of the double standard quo.

vote NOT jodi rell in 09.

hey mr. beard!!!!!!!!

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 05:18:08 GMT

yeeash, back to the classic fall layout. today i woke up at 4:30 in the morning to transfer money ASAP (payday) and get food and bogies before dementia set in. i did that and chain smoked camel crushes whilst trying to study a buncha shit i ain't look at in art history for the fuckin test in said class at 10:10. turns out my knack for categorization and prior knowledge of roman/byzantine/christian history helped me out a good deal. i B+ rocked the test and the fuckin kids in that class are so fuckin loud and disrespectful, i'm all for hedonism but fuckin appreciate culture, dammit. kids these days, anyway i sat through theory and somewhat got it, then half failed/rocked this quiz thing in musicianship. i seriously can't stomach being in these fucking classes anymore, the best part of that two hour period is the ten minute bogie breaks outside earl what with the cool music people and depressingly hot art chicks (thank you southern). everyone dispersed noticably quickly at 1 today and i gave haley a ride home, got bogies and subway and went home to just fuckin relax and enjoy the fact that i was relatively productive for once today. my dunkin donuts bag from 8 am is filled with holland guts and almost done with a second pack of bogies, newports at that. this is undoubtably a bad thing. but i go other days without any bogies and have to bum sparsely. what the fuck is the matter with me? seriously. pretty good jam session tonight, worked much more on fucking with new ideas instead of playing the same catalogue over and over... it sounds like we're getting better at songwriting in general, and it's really nice to see some of the music i've come up with sitting alone and tweaked the fuck out over the last two or so years actually turn into something.

other night at work royea was going off about the new q-tip album, as he does with any quaity hip-hop release. later on when i'm cleaning shit up and i'm in a pissy mood he comes in with his i-pod and lets me peep the album while i work. fuckin phenominal album, haven't heard such genuine-sounding (underground or otherwise) hip-hop in a while.

oh yeah, obama's president, i feel less cynical about the country now.

oh, and i went to lebanon, turned 25, and nathan has a beard.

sometimes i just feel like... you muthafuckas, you muthaFUCKas!!!

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:02:44 GMT

more and more angry lately.

"i dunno, just the fuckin.. regular-nesss of life, i - i don't know."
© c. moltisanti

act like you know.

shattered capillaries

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 17:39:49 GMT

everybody's batshit crazy. every-thefuck-one. crazy or an asshole or both.

all the bullshit i go through for people, for what? i see you, WH. fuckin passive aggressive sneaky sadistic advantage taking manipulative having a field day at my expense ostracizing me cuz you're all just as pathetic as you claim me to be. taking me for granted and for a fool sticking me in the middle and acting like i'm the villain cuz i don't wanna choose sides cuz i don't HAVE to, especially when i'm not the one with the problem. that's how it's been since childhood, they blame the victims not the ones who actively decide to fuck others over. aw, whatchall want, a puppet? think i'm a joke? me? whatever, least i'm honest about my dysfunction. and then nathan with his prejudice and bitterness at ANYTHING that doesn't fit into the narrow checklist of things that make him happy. catchin an attitude with ME? FUCK you. you already stepped to me once and got sonned, even moreso by yourself. fuckin bitter faggots, STRIVE FOR MORE. how the fuck could the past seven years have led us here? who the fuck's real and why do you feel entitled to mine? enough is enough, hands off. no wonder annas jumped ship.

so for right now, fuck CT.

i'm going job hunting, please fuck yourselves on the way out.

fags.

tuna fish sandwiches

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Mon, 26 May 2008 16:28:56 GMT

today guitar center is having this big huge prices dropped to ridiculous levels sale in honor of memorial day.

i still have a gift card to said store.

it is also really pretty outside. please send more rumple minze and azerbaijani college-age females. the brownies were excellent but it is cold here in siberia. it vas neeeever like ziss een gulag.

...werd.

julia child would never do that! no, julia child would be like, "hi everybody; i'm here with chad, we're making waffles," next thing you know, bam! and cut, you see nice waffles, all beautiful, nice syrup flowing, i'm eatin like "aw yeah, these are great, back to you, kathy and.. regis!

rings flooded with stones, homes

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Mon, 26 May 2008 08:36:19 GMT

yessirie bob indeed, summer of 08 is now in full effect.

at some point within the last month i was in the music dept office before class one morning, talking to joanita (one of the best people you'll ever meet) about how fast this particularly bizarre 8-month period known as the 07-08 school year was finally coming to an end. she asked me the classic question: where did the time go?

i said then and believe it today - i don't know where it went, but it can stay the fuck there.

not for nothin, there were some truly beautiful moments between september and now. i might even get around to recounting some of the memories i'd been wanting to chronicle in here (vegas and the fall in particular). as time goes on i think hindsight clarity will set in, as i think there's even more to be learned and revealed from this school year and the semester before it but all in all let's move forward, word is flesh like jesus the aquarian.

for the moment i'm gonna post my grades for this last semester, cuz i don't know HOW i pulled this shit off.

arranging: B+ (WHAT THE FUCK?)
improv: B- (semites stick together?)
romantic era: B- (failed the midterm but aced two quizzes and apparently rocked the final)
CMO: A (anything less would be uncivilized)
english 112: B+ (if not for absence/deadline issues it woulda been an A)

annnd, i dropped math, cuz.... yeah. takin it in july tho, and i start bio tomorrow. with the same professor i had when i took bio the first time around. and there'll probably be boobies in there. werd.

on a purely hypothetical level, for arguments' sake, if i were to graduate a year from now, if i had enough money saved up, i COULD move down to florida. my cousin nikole lives down there, i talk to christy still, and miami appears to be on some NYC/ATL/vegas status shit.

this idea is plausible in theory. in theory, communism works. in theory.

havin dreams that i'm a baller, laced in the sharpest, sparking a bogie with a zippo in some pussy-filled yet classy club, soaked in armani faded and shaped up with a tan, money out the ass, clean domicile with high-quality feasts on the daily. whatever i want, i fell asleep watching the sopranos in a chair.

what would thanksgiving be if you had a turkey dinner every day?

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 03:52:29 GMT

i may just be overthinking here, but has this occured to anyone else?

cool though he may seem, obama's still a politician, so he clearly has some tricks up his sleeve. what if his whole secret plan is to enslave white people as part of some grand karmic payback? he'll be on some "gotcha!" and we'll be longing for the reagan years.

and then what if hillary wants to enslave men or at the very least make us second class citizens like women back in the old days? that's like the most ironic way to rock the vote.

either way i'd be fucked. that's like two strikes against me.

closeup slow-mo shots of green dew-dripping foliage

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 22:45:32 GMT

sun's out.

grassroots back to basics training. my leg hurts.

spring's often been a dark, uncertain period for me. i'm loving the re-birth.

listen to black star.

pre-post modern homesick blues

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 06:47:27 GMT

the azzberrri tree, sir?

yes son... the azzberri tree.

MY GRANDMOTHA HAD THE BIGGEST AZZBERRI TREE IN TOWN! EVERY SUNDAY DURING THE SUMMER SHE'D MAKE THE BEST DAMN NAZZBERRI PIE YA EVER HAD IN YOUR LIFE!

old man schickelgruber loved his azzberri tree... he used the sap extract to heal cuts and snake bites.

ok, i get it, you need an azzberri seed to get a nazberry, i GET IT, it's fucking STUPID!

see, pairps is actually funny, like... first of all you - picture the word "pairps", and that's just funny as hell. and then you picture fuckin nathan's dad and then THAT'S hilarious. and then delaney studying in a library and going on archaeological expiditions to the middle east, that's just... how do you not find that funny?

and then pairps appears to him, floating with light around him singing like martin gore... shit!

a synopsis of chili's, for your enjoyment (your is lebanese colloquial arabic for "my"):

walk in, usual daps and sarcastic comments regarding my glaring behavioral problems, maybe a hug or two with empty "for the hell of it" flirting that i can't really get mad at cuz i do it too, stumble through a traffic jam of random 860ers after looking at the clock knowing damn well i'm going out back for a bogie regardless of how late i might be, smoke a bogie out back and pace, try and fix my hair in the window mirror thing, storm back in, wash my hands, more daps/dubious flirting, act uninterested in these very attractive people, perhaps i can stare at the disgustingly delicious rack on the new disgustingly young (her january birthday fucks the constitution in the ass) but disgustingly cute blonde chick who, like many of the chili's ilk, seems to have days marked in her hypothetical planner regarding when she'll flirt with me. almost ceaselessly every night i'll have at least two conversations about 80's and 90's music, generally hip-hop and rock, depending on the conversee, who almost invariably is a male. the ratio of hispanics to whites in the kitchen is about 10 to 1, which is great cuz i get to hear white chicks holler spanish obscenities they learned from a particularly laid-back high school language teacher thinking they're so hip. a lotta massages go on at the to-go expo line. i have no choice but to act ridiculous and make obnoxious but really clever remarks at people all night, including bizarre facial expressions to keeop the monotony of the "hey, i just saw you two minutes ago but we haven't talked all night, hi" head nod at bay. it's become expected of me to walk around with a scowl and nothing nice to say if you're lucky at some point on a given evening, to the point where i have to point out to people when i go for a while without letting my temper flare up. i usually leave filthy and with two to-go cups of water, cuz hey, it's free water.

ok, i really just wanted to mention the little blonde chick cuz... DAMN.

in keeping with the hitler theme, i should mention i caught a documentary on prophecies supposedly fortelling his rise to power centuries earlier, and after carefully reviewing the footage, i've decided that hitler is indeed funny looking.

fucking laugh riot - look at the fuckin guy, what an up-tight douche. and then just the word hiter, too... muthafucka shoulda stuck with painting.

what a strange dichotomy, laying in bed drinking a 40 and watching the history channel. hrmm.

but she had a sister that looked something like her

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 15:15:59 GMT

partially culled from a recent car conversation with my favorite half-jewish person:

hitler is the go-to guy for grandiose, ridiculously extreme comparisons. an example:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"come on man, [person A, B, or X]'s not a complete asshole. he [insert positive, normal attribute here]."

"so did HITLER, what's your point?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

really guys? hitler? really? there isn't an even slightly less despicable character you can use to gauge grimyness? it's not even the extreme nature of the comparison anymore so much as the fact that - well, the shit's gotten tired. it's an old joke. stale. we GET IT. he was a horrible guy. stalin was just as ruthless and killed more people, and he was on our side during dubs dubs 2's. name-drop him more. try idi amin or muammar qaddafi. get creative.

and that's another thing: don't insult my intelligence by assuming other people don't know the deal about hitler, acting like you're a privileged elite enlightened poor righteous teacher who knows more and better than the ignorant masses. what'dya, just read about the guy yesterday? crack a hitler a joke and over-sensitive bleeding heart motherfuckers suddenly become phd's in jewish studies.

really? HITLER did WHAT?! no, no, not MY adolf! the adolf I know would NEVER do such a thing! i mean, he was a vegetarian and he loved animals! wow, are you sure? you'd think it'd be in a history book or something. shit.

fuck outta here w/ this bullshit. even the small number of people on the planet who admire the guy KNOW what he was about. he's more funny to me now than anything. i once saw a mel brooks interview where he said something to effect of (in context): "that was my goal. to make the world laugh at adolf hitler". get it? i couldn't repeat this if i tried.

PS kill that "he was half jewish" shit. first off, the rumor is that he's a QUARTER jewish, and there's no concrete evidence to prove either theory. he also, contrary to random white girls who try to be smart and deep with me and fail miserably, did not initiate the third reich and ensuing genocides in the name of christianity. i still happen to believe the one testicle rumor tho.

this is kinda like that "people in west hartford can't drive" post i thought of in the car in 2004 but never got around to posting.

self appointed judges judge more than they have sold

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 08:12:42 GMT

all right, don't think it hasn't occured to me that i haven't posted in depth about current happenings and such in a while, so here's a synopsis for the old-school heads reading this who may by some twist of fate be interested.

ok, so... march 2008. where the fuck am i, where am i headed, what am i doing?

i'm 24 now, and currently in the middle of my fifth semester at southern. haven't been in the dorms there since december of 06, currently living in a relatively spacious, perpetually dirty one bedroom loft type apartment thing in hamden, about 10 minutes from school. my folks no longer live in west hartford, or CT for that matter, so i'm as on my own as i've ever been. i work at chili's in newington, serving as the resident comedian or psychoholic depending on my mood. this keeps my job in a perpetual state of limbo. the distance factor wasn't as much of an issue until i stopped living in the dorms and realized stuff costs money. but i had the job before i moved or planned on moving and i'm stubborn and have a bizarre love/hate relationship with the place and my co-workers. i've began to embrace my prepostrous nature there more, shamelessly flirting with 30-something mothers and girls who weren't even born in the same decade as me. i'm growing my hair out again.

i'm majoring in music and the classes are BRUTAL but i walk away from each one with some new knowledge that bleeds into my playing. the guitar is as integral as it's ever been to me, and this is certainly the most advanced i've ever been on my six-string instrument. i've stockpiled enough original material over the last four years to put together at least an album of some kind.

i'm in a band with some of my closest friends at school, we're called the core and don't ask me to describe what kind of music we play - it's literally fusion in every sense, cuz all four of us have our own personal tastes in music and some common favorites, both of which add to the un-categorization factor, which is great. even at 12 i can remember thinking that if i ever had a band or music released, i wouldn't wanna have a convenient label slapped on it, as the industry tends to do. either way we draw most obviously from funk, blues and grit-rock (alt-rock is too confining), all of which have similar roots.

i also play shows on campus and i've actually been getting a lot of respect as a musician from people lately as a result. it's nice to finally get that recognition cuz i was more of an underground phenom growing up. you wouldn't catch me in a talent show at my high school, but you'd see me sitting in the hallway for dolo during guitar class figuring out wyclef and nore songs on an acoustic, which i guess shows my chameleonistic personality was taking root even then. i'm growing more and more ambitious and confident in my own playing, and i'm hoping that some of the ideas i've had since i was younger might actually take off. most of these are still embryonic at best but i'm still doing better musically than even a year ago, when i still jammed and played with people. these shows on campus and elsewhere, along with jam sessions, are a great mood-enhancer. and my parents seem very proud of me. my mom even left me a voicemail apologizing for an argument we'd had a few days earlier, talking about how she wants the best for me but she has to accept that i'm gonna do things my way. that brought a smile to my face and i called her back and told her i was touched, and that she shouldn't have to feel bad, that i'm starting to get their perspective after all these years. we ended up talking for a while, delving into her side of the family and whether or not she sees certain traits in me.

i typically don't get much sleep and i live paycheck to paycheck. i lost around 25 pounds last winter cuz the money was so bad. i smoke way too many bogies and drink more water than is good for me, if such a thing were possible.  my room is littered with empty energy drink and water bottles and i often find myself on a bare mattress for no reason other than the fact that i'm lazy. i have three pairs of jeans (that i wear in public), two sets of new balances, a new pair of fold-over timbs, beat to shit pairs of black shelltops and white AF1's and a pair of blue timbs so old my friend eddie refuses to call them anything other than green. i'm more familiar with 7-11's than clothing and grocery stores.  if i could somehow get away with selling drugs or playing poker to make some quick cash i would. legal and skill constraints (respectively) put a damper on both of those. i often read charles cross's "heavier than heaven" kurt cobain biography. i feel like i should be doing better for myself at my age. i'm homesick and nostalgic a lot. i've been through some shit down here that makes me wanna hug josh and kevin, real talk. i've recently been on a "no one controls my life but me and God" kick. i have a bible by my bed but i rarely read it. i maintain a belief in some sort of God and still have issues with organized religion, tho i'm becoming more and more tolerant of such things. i love gregorian chants, medieval english music and celtic ethereal spirutal music. every weekend i drive around 30 miles (at a time) to and from work and my chill sessions in my beloved home town are becoming more and more infrequent. it's all good cuz everyone's schedules there are as ridculous as my own. i watch the sopranos obsessively and can't get enough. i'm a nirvana-phile and particularly obsessed with "heart-shaped box", tho i realize how dark and morbid a lot of that music is, and that i ultimately have a more positive outlook on life. youtube is a goldmine for interviews of such bands and artists. my alcohol tolerance is laughably low and i prefer 40's or 22's of steel reserve and st. ides to the smirnoff vodka of yore. i can't wait for spring, and i have a newfound appreciation for all things NOT winter. i went through one of the most serious periods of depression and self-loathing i've ever experienced from around february of 2007 - some time in the fall, and i've decided that there's no way i'm giving up. i still have a manic "feel like i'm losing my mind and i don't give a fuck about shit" episode at least once a week and although i know i can vent to sevearl friends, none of them can hold me. i'm also hyper-uber sensitive, way too sensitive for a male to be in this society. i catch anxiety being around typical frat boy football player guys, despite my age. but i feel i've come too far and have way too many pipe dreams to sit back and be a perpetual curmudgeon. i've gotten better at taking responsibility for my own problems and admitting fault where need be. my anger management problems that really threaten propects of improvement.

girls, well... still some shit i need to sort out i guess. i attract or become interested in a remarkably inordinate number of girls significantly younger than myself. this strikes me as odd and makes me wonder about what i am and how i come off to people. my sensitive side that wants a beautiful companion (i originally was a romantic years before the battle of the sexes and circumstance poisoned my mind) still wars with my hedonistic "bang em all and let God sort em out" side. it appears that i'm at the mercy of a catch-22 - i'm too immature for my age to really have anything to offer fellow mid-20ers, but i'm too old for the 8ballers. i have a string of laughably unsuccessful relationships, attempts at such, and just crushes that went nowhere for one reason or several others. i did have a... fling, i guess you could call it, with an unbelieveably sexually and mentally stimulating chick i met a few months back, who i may or may not have referenced in recent entries. i was really fucking upset that it ended the way it did (and that it ended period) but there's not shit i can do about it now. all i can say is i had fun and i miss her. *muah* to her. other than that i feel an intense need to make a relationship work for once and i guess all these failed attempts are teaching me what not to do, as well as coping skills. i honestly can't handle the amount of exceedingly beautiful creatures i see on campus, in public or at work constantly, and frankly i'd probably get with all of them if i could. i get periscope dick like a motherfucker. every semester i have at least one class with the archetypal hot girl that makes class worth going to, but as usual i'm way too bitch to do shit about it despite the fact that i know it's no big deal. last semester it was this italian chick in electronic music, this time there's this too sexy to be true girl in my english class who's just... the classic unapproachable and unattainable girl. the kinda girl who honestly puts hot celebrities to shame. guess i need to learn the difference between a jump-off and a lady but i'm a point now where i'm just like "why are you content being a slam pig for a bunch of dickheaded assholes?" i wanna make girls feel good about theyselves, try and show them what i see when i look at them but everyone learns at their own pace.  this need for comfort and solace is too strong for me to bounce around tho, in my heart i know that. it's a work in progress, anyway. and i'm not giving up. i still have trouble realizing i look and act different from when i was 16.

hard work pays off.

in summation: i strive.

vote quimby

they'd always just beeeeeennnnnn theerrrrrrrrre

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 14:36:25 GMT

well, i didn't end up drinking thursday and that's problably a good thing. but i think it's abundantly clear i have a case of seasonal affective disorder.

personally, i blame the bassist from mudvayne.

everything crumbles in the winter

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Thu, 28 Feb 2008 22:26:59 GMT

"see, this ain't no college, man. saint mike's, that was a college. fordham is a college. champlain is a college. even muthafuckin UCONN is a college. this shit, though? this shit?? nah, never that, this shit right here is a hgh school. y'undastandwhati'msayin?... it's just one big, gigantic-ass high school."

one big, warped, repulsive-ass high school.

and most of these places are the same.

fuckin 203 feels like another culture for real. limit's comin real soon, guys. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me but everyone trynna test me right now better KNOCK that shit off, i deserve somewhat better treatment from people.

and the projective inverse is also correct.

i don't fuckin KNOW... i'm just fuckin lonely and i don't usually wanna say so cuz it's such a whiny thing to say. i've fuckin had it with so much and so many. so many times i'll see random females on campus, people i don't know, people i've never met and i get this fuckin violent rage thing going on inside me. i'm sure it shows. i'm fascinated with patterns of behavior brought on by loneliness, being ignored or rejected. also with the concept of being gullible and and therefore easily manipulated. with what happens inside people that've been or felt brutally mistreated when they realize they're worth something and don't deserve undue abuse. revolutionary warfare is a broader and more destructive form of this kind of awakening. but fuck it, i'd really rather just feel peaceful. i wanna know less fear. i don't wanna feel a need to hide anything or from anything. i'm sorry, but is that really too much to want?

to clear up any speculation, i'm referring to countless events that have happened over the years in addition to more recent shit. i'll think back to a time i got dicked over when i was like 12, or younger even, and be ready to smash the shit outta something. it's been said for a while that i have too many problems to be with. has it not occured to anyone that maybe if someone stuck around lesser problems would bother me... well, less? i'm sorry for being so unnecessarily maudlin but i seriously do feel like this.

survey says: i'm drinking tonight.

oh! don't think i forgot

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 06:52:38 GMT

well, i've been listening to a lotta eazy-e and mc ren's solo stuff, and the illustrious hip-hop classic "the chronic". catchin day dreams of smacking random people up. something really stirred in me friday. call it cabin fever, i got called outta work cuz of the snow so i just spent most of the day in bed smoking bogies. i only left to get food and bogies and when i unearthed (you know what i mean) my car someone had thrown a big-ass wendy's soda cup on my roof, but it looked intricately placed, like someone had forced it into the snow. most likely some random shit, but it's really starting to piss me off.

i've had three incidents involving random fast food being dumped at my place. it's just weird.

- some random bag of mcdonald's shit right outside my car door one morning a year or so ago, which i immediately attributed to my, er.. buddy friend chick who paid me a lot of unwanted negative attention

- random wendy's bag (what guys, no flaming dog shit bags? TRADITION!) in my (landlord's) garbage bin thing that you drag to the street weekly over the summer

- this shit.

- also my broken side mirror in dee-sem-baiiirrrrrrrrrrrrtd, but without the edible dope. interestingly i'd been in sam ash, where my aforementioned antagonist worked and might still, the night before to buy guitar strings. which is what i ws doing the night she told me to call her and i actually did for once. moral of the story? buy your guitar strings at guitar stores when you're home on the weekends.

but really guys, fast food? i GET IT, i lost weight since last year. chris's mom and heather n. from chili's were both convinced i was a coke-head. it's so ironic how relatively prudent i am with some things.

but anyway. leave my rest alone. sure, sure... i'm probably just being paranoid. but has it occurred to any of you that maybe it's shit like this that MAKES me paranoid? all this bizarre social behavior isn't an act, folks. i would never intentionally sabotage my shit to such an extent. i'll admit i'm a very passive-aggressive person at times, but yo... when it comes to the paranoia, i ain't start this. i reacted. but people tend to get punished more for reacting than actually instigating, which is so ass-backwards i've given up on trying to change anything about it.

chris caruso, my best friend of 8 somechange years turned 26 on saturday. twenty-the fuck-six. i knew this cat since he was maybe 8, we grew up in the same neighborhood. he'd terrorize me on the playground and the summer school bus. he threatened to beat my ass (again, without cause) in the locker room in 6th grade, which made this kid gary morales, who once threatened to shoot me albeit jokingly if i didn't cut my cobain wanna-be hair, tell me he had my back. for some odd reason he did a 180 in high school and somehow we became best friends when i was a junior and he was a senior (our mutual guitar playing was the ice breaker i guess). through him i met annas khan and jon tessitore. what i never got was why he took me under his wing like that, made me part of a considerable clique (it was high school, when in rome). not only was he cooler than me, slick, going clubbing, always talking to some of the hottest girls in conard like it was nothing (which was unthinkable to me at the time... talking to one was like charlie bucket and his once a year chocolate bar)... he took my awkward unbalanced ass in and treated me almost like a younger brother - he has no brothers and i'm the oldest. we later bonded over our mutual missing and/or wanting certain chicks... in this case he was still caught up on his ex from rocky hill and i was caught up on her cousin. two blazin italiana chicks that helped solidify my fascination with italian culture and the mediterranean in general. just the beginning of a long string of "what if's" and bad timing. right down to the fuckin name. in fact, i've developed crushes on chicks with both the aforementioneds' respective names in years since, more than once for one. but anyway. i helped hook him up with jeana (yes guys, it's my fault) and he asked her out on valentine's day, same day i asked out michelle. i looked up to the way he treated her and went about asking her out. i was really unfamiliar with proper v-day and dating etiquette. anyway, that school year ushered in everything that's unfolded socially in CT for me since, and of course for a while me him and nathan were one of the sickest idiosyncratic mini-crews in gayst hartford. it's just nuts how uneventful we've all made certan aspects of our lives, and i think he feels the need for change even moree urgently than i do.
we celebrated his 26th with nate at my place, getting fucked up and watching ren and stimpy. nate and i traded college stories and we had a laugh at the types of chicks who're so sheltered and spoiled so as to have the audacity to think not only that fast food restaurants are open inside at 12:30 am but actually get OUT of the car at the drive-thru and bang on the door, thinking she'll actually get in. it was reminiscent of kristin mangiafico's infamous "who can drive nas the most insane" WATTEERRR!!!!!! incident in 04.

i went to see kate at red robin in manchester saturday, she'd been sick and they had a benefit for her there, naturally social being that she is. i hadn't seen her since august. she has a boyfriend now, which makes me a little jealous but he appears to be treating her right, a change from some of her past dudes. her friend joe and i immediately took to each other, talking about music (he's a drummer who loves hip-hop) and listening to some of peter's instrumentals, all of which he liked.

saw peter too. he's the kinda kid i feel comfortable dong nothing significant in his basement. still got beats. possible diesel scare but he appears to be suboxin it too.

it appears as though any possibilities with any known chick are quickly fading out. which i guess would mean new horizons. no more folding.

i'ma set it straight, this watergate

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 23:43:05 GMT

*punches wall*

i got that ignorant shit you neeeeeed

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 00:48:20 GMT

you muthafuckas, man! i swear, you guys are either on my level or life is hilariously coincidental, proving to my mind the existance of some kind of higher being. i might have to completely detach myself to not go insane. think y'all slick and i'm dumb? the irony is that i don't underestimate anyone. that's SO ironic.

i've spent too many days leaving campus with a strange forboding undercurrent that really prevents me from being content. i'm tired of it. if i have to say to myself every day for a while "ok, at least part of today is gonna suck, that's a given, just suck it up cuz it's not that bad in perspective" then that's what i'm gonna do. i'm fed up beyond words with too many bizarre coincidences. too many definition of insanity maneuvers. ain't none of us different if what may be the case is the case. enough is enough. i've known since i was 11 that tabloids are straight ass. at one point i had a physical aversion to them. vinland wireless needs to shut down.

quite primitive

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 07:51:54 GMT

if you ever need anything please don't hesitate to ask someone else first
i'm too busy acting like i'm not naive, i've seen it all, i was here first

out of the ground
into the sky
out of the sky
into the dirt

good band, gotta say.

this fuckin college shit is driving me loco guano. that's bonkerrrrzzzzZzZZZZZZzzzzZZZZzZzZzZZz if y'all don't know, which you do.

G B D G F Eflat G B D Aflat G

what do i think i think?

hey nina - on the off chance that you read this and you probably don't, call me. even if you don't want to, it'll probably still be somewhat fun.

i know how to maintain but i really do feel i'm in a ren & stimpy style trippy background going demented in some oddly comical way... call it nirvanapicasso.

but nah, i'm still nas, i ain't always mr. psycho. that's what you chili's heads see when y'all see me, right? mr. psycho? man, if y'all only knew the love i got for most of you fucks. i just have less qualms about admitting that i'm maladjusted. so what? child of the 90's, fuckos. affirmative action "downward spiral" style. reverse elitism, esoteric climate y'all just ain't part to, same way i'm not in any way equipped to fully understand your own memory files. love myself better than you. new-age moccasins. your own personal vega. silver surfer. caviar eater looks at calandar and sees that is november. dodow. hillcrest. a denial. i just bite em. crap on the air. johnny further. headlights, snake, jungle gym. vitology. dicaeopolis. xis no ar. special secret song inside. joyce/lyons/ryan/alumni. sour apple pucker tastes like jolly ranchers. tournament one foot out, bus stops and cherry bombs. basque female loves incesticide pic in door. extree extree read all about it.

see what happens when smart people become apathetic politically and still maintain livejournals? blame this entry on cheney.

"i'm so anti-semitic, my foreskin grew BACK!"

tired of chess, i want sun, love me or leave me alone.

all of my comments tonight are out of a book called "how to be witty at parties".

naw'msayin? i'm sayin.

illustrated book about birds.

pairps

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Sat, 02 Feb 2008 09:26:05 GMT

yes, i'm still here. per usual i got plenty on my mind to talk about and i'm experiencing writer's block.

i mean shit, i gotta go back and talk about the end of the semester and christmas break and school and all the fucked up shit that's been running through my head during said time interval.

- i've been watching the sopranos obsessively for damn near a month
- i'm in a band (hi mallory, suckonamuddafuckindick!)
- i played a gig with said band and i'm jamming regularly with them in particular and a few other people here and there - chris and nate and i had an intensely prolific jam session right before school started, and i compared the situation at the time with "25th hour"
- still writing muzak or at least working on technique and such
- never get enough sleep and my legs constantly hurt cuz i walk a lot while carrying heavy shit every damn day... upside is, my legs might get diesel and they're already diesel for a non-athletic non-track runner
- i'm... pretty sure i had a fling
- i think about astrology a fucking lot, and i'm really not into the bad rep virgos get, but then again no matter what i say about the subject motherfuckers are just gonna say "oh, you're just proving the point, you're acting like a virgo, blah blah blah"suckaDAIRACK.
- i found this sped-up version of "heart-shaped box" (which i'm like obsessed with) on youtube, sounds all chipmunk-y and it gives the song a much more feminine vibe... a lot of the melodies in that song strike me as almost celtic/spiritual, and i remember reading a kurt cobain interview years ago where he said he had roots in county cork and that he felt really spiritual when he was over there with the band
- i'm becoming intrigued by celtic stuff in general
- i mouthed off to the stewardesses on the plane over to vegas on christmas day (y'all knew i went to vegas right?) and managed to sneak all over the airport and back through customs to smoke bogies out of sheer addictive impulse... we stopped over in north carolina, that was kinda cool
- never read a kurt cobain biography on a plane while you're nodding off. you will wake up depressed.
- my hair's longer than it's been in years, probably since 9th grade... i can pull off that whole "white people jheri curl" with a hat on, especially if i just got outta the shower
- thursday night i wanted to do something no one had ever done before, i decided to go to a college party, to become a part of this huge, all-encompassing, soul-sucking thing called punk rock
- styles p and lil wayne are two of the best emcees in the game right now... i'm not taking "no they're not" for an answer
- i'm getting tired of these young-ass chicks (mychele gets a pass)... just more and more paranoia and disdain but i really don't wanna keep falling into the misanthropy trap (or is it misogyny?) so i'm hoping i can continue to get more resilient about this shit. just having a hard time believing everything i hear, cuz i BEEN there countless times. long as people don't think i'm completely delusional or just plain stupid i'm good.
- i've been told by several people within the last month that they could see me as a rock star, one of whom ain't even know i play guitar. and i'm pretty sure they were all chicks.
- i asked two women and a dude at work to guess my sign, one guessed right, one said sagittarius and the other said "either cancer or gemini". ok, i'm into it, who cares?
- my giving a fuck level is slowly diminishing, but in a more positive manner, don't worry.
- this a new year and i'm getting sick of living in "what if?" ya dig?

i'm exhausted and i'm working on adapting my lifestyle to the current times around here and back home... just gotta accept that i'm in hamden and it makes more sense to operate around here. *shrug* g'nite, royal buddies.

w to the tee eff mizzate

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 05:03:05 GMT

ummmmmmmm... i've come to the conclusion that my life is utterly ridiculous. so ridiculous in fact that it's to be pronounced and spelled "rijiculous". a word like ridiculous merits ridiculous grammatical shit like that.

i guess it's just that end of the semester bizarro-world. half vacation, half serious grind. my sleep schedule is so fucked up and the half-vacation part of the end of the semester bizarro world allows for that kind of anything goes "fuck it"-ism of being on vacation. y'know, fuck it, eat as horribly and irregularly as you can, smoke too many bogies, go to bed at 5 all the time and deep throat red bulls if you're lucky enough to hear your damn alarm in the morning.

friday afternoon i stepped in dog shit at peter's house. apparently nugget eats vomit.

saturday i caught a flat tire.

tuesday morning i woke up to find my drivers' side side-mirror smashed out, probably and most likely by accident.

i've performed and/or attended three performances in engleman this week.

i feel like since last july or so a lotta unnecessary garbage has been slowly lifted off my shoulders.

i feel like that last sentence was kinda gay but how else can i put it?

one more day of actual classes, then finals, then rehab.

i've stopped feeling how nirvana sounds all the time. great band either way tho.

i think a few new year's resolutions are sorely in order.

as well as coherent posting.

i tagged the fuck outta my desk in physics yesterday.

don't be a prank.

heel-toein it.

if lj entries were movies, oliver stone directed this one. with help from serj tankian.

try to give it back, they be like, "nah, that's yours to keep"

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 03:37:13 GMT

"i got so many rhymes, i don't think i'm too sane
life is parallel to hell, but i must maintain
and be prosperous..."

© NYSOM

i think the last seven words should be the most poignant.

i'd apologize for the vague and short posts but no one even seems to read this shit anymore and i'm tired of saying i'm sorry all the time. muhfuckas is lucky i don't fuck with dust.

anyway, i'll probably be back later with something of worth to read but until then i love all y'all and the haters can suck a dairack, hope it's delicious, one.

won't you believe it, it's just my luck

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 20:13:37 GMT

no recess!

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 02:00:59 GMT

man... i seriously haven't had this much lingering anxiety in a minute.

i need a fuckin chiropractor on some reverse sub-zero shit.

don't feel right

abourizkn1@southernct.edu — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 17:33:49 GMT

solitude is a paradox.

i've been feeling mad "alone" lately.

that's in quotes cuz i know there are plenty of people that have it worse or who've been through worse.

by alone it's more than just being voluntarily single and involuntarily celibate. like, who the fuck else is in my head but me? it's empowering and at the same time painfully isolating to look around and repeat any tony montana or nas fan's favorite mantra: the world is yours.

i dunno, solitude is necessary and almost required right now, but still i can't help but wonder how this shit is affecting my mind. i keep having close to fucking nervous breakdowns and violent, almost twisted fits of rage.

one advantage tho: i've been here plenty of times before but now i'm more familiar with the territory.

all things considered, this is indeed one of my roughest financial periods since i moved in here about 9 months ago, and i'm maintaining probably the best i have yet. foresight helps a little.